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Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Posted by Cantankerous Panda on January 21, 2010


Let me start by saying this: I have no idea what this movie was about. I’m not being facetious or cute when I say that– I honestly have no idea what the point of this movie was, what any of the driving forces were, or why most of these things happened. I guess that makes it easier for Michael Bay to make what I can only call a masturbatory film for himself. My mind was short-circuited so many times throughout this movie that, at one point, I  curled into a fetal position and started mumbling to myself. I’m almost afraid to give this thing a full review, but I feel I must warn others to the fullest extent. Let’s get busy.

We’ll start with the plot. Well, the “plot”. Um, well… we’ll start with the notion of “plot” and go from there. Sam Witwicky (such a terrible name), our “hero”, is going to college, leaving his “hot” girlfriend Mikaela (what is it with this movie and terrible names?!) behind. She’s pouty-faced about it, and we’re also led to believe that he’s more likely to cheat on her than vice-versa because he’s at college and she’s a dependable, faithful, motorcycle-riding, fast-car-loving, bad-boy-magnet chick working in her father’s auto garage. Yeah. OK, so he goes off to college and has to leave his personal autobot, Bumblebee, at home. Oh, I forgot to mention that Sam apparently never touched any piece of clothing that he wore during the last movie until the first 10 minutes of the film, where he finds a piece of the allspark magically encased in his jacket pocket. It proceeds to embed alien codes in his head and then drops to the ground, where it magically burns through the wooden floor, insulation, the ceiling below, and comes to rest on the wooden kitchen table. This happens in a matter of seconds. The allspark piece then transforms the Witwicky’s entire kitchen into a deathbowl of appliance monsters. As they start attacking, Bumblebee transforms, destroys most of the yard, garage, and a good chunk of the house, and saves the Witwicky’s from being Cuisinarted to death. Sam proceeds to scold Bumblebee like a bad dog and sends him back to the garage. This is basically letting us all know how horrible Sam AND this film are going to be. Oh, and the allspark piece is important, clearly.

Meanwhile, the other Autobots are still on Earth, working for the military. Decepticons keep comin’ on down, the Autobots kill them and destroy tons of things in the process. Some new asshole appointed by President Obama accuses the Autobots of being the reason why the Decepticons keep coming back and essentially wants to treat the Autobots like illegal immigrants. He’s clearly a dumb douchebag, and the whole thing is set up to let you know that he’s CLEARLY wrong and his stance on the Autobots is going to create problems later. Classic government asshole. From here, we get Sam going crazy with the alien info constantly running through his brain; Decepticons taking over our satellite so they can get information about everything we say and do (such as where the rest of the allspark is being held– in one of the “most secure facilities in the world”, as if that somehow trumps the alien technology we’ve now been exposed to); Sam pretending like none of what is going on–such as the destruction of the Earth caused by the Decepticons– has anything to do with him, the piece of the allspark he gave to his girlfriend in order to keep it safe (or put her in danger, really), or the alien information implanted in his brain; and military orders to put the Autobots in what I think was supposed to be some sort of internment camp or something (I really don’t remember).

During this clusterfuck of “plot development” scenes, there are some robot fights. I know this because I saw things that looked metallic flying at each other. I wish I could describe the action to you, but Michael Bay has one-upped himself in this film. Not only did he use the spinning camera movement whenever humanly possible, including scenes where there was no action actually occurring, but he decided to place his film in wherever the hell they shoot CSI: Miami. His films have always had this kind of yellow-heavy colour scheme before, but my God did it get ever more saturated. Everyone was always shiny, too, which I thought was odd (apparently Sam’s parents don’t believe in air conditioning). But he really just blew himself out of the water with his inclusion of a blinding shot of the sun whenever he could work it into his shots. We’d be watching an Autobot transform mid-air (while we’re spinning around him, of course) and suddenly I cannot see two-thirds of its body because of this horrible glare. I swear to God, someone needs to stop this man. As I was watching this movie, I could just picture him getting aroused during post-production. He is so in love with himself that you can see it in practically every shot of the film. It’s painful. Oh, he also wants you to know that Megan Fox is “hot”. That a mini-robot would want to hump her leg because she’s so hot is one of the dumbest things I have seen on film, ever. None of the other transformers show any sign of similar emotions. At all. There’s no logic behind this. It’s done just to tell us that Megan Fox is hot. There are at least fifty-seven other times during this film that Michael Bay makes sure you know that she is hot, whether it’s through dialogue, character reactions, or shot set-up. Michael, just fuck her and get it over with. It’s boring me.

I’m kinda bouncing all over the place now, but I think I’ll move onto performances. There is nothing I like about Shia LaBeouf OR Megan Fox. Honestly, I hate them both. But, surprisingly, I hated him more than I hated her (and she says the most unbelievably idiotic things in the real world, too).  He was terrible in more ways than I can even describe. I don’t understand how this kid gets action/adventure roles, but he’s horrible in them. He’s whiny, bratty, and impossible to like. I cannot root for his character. I do not want him to win. He’s not a hero, so stop putting him in that role. I cannot, for the life of me, comprehend why Hollywood is so in love with him, but it has to stop. IT HAS TO. Meanwhile, Megan Fox delivers her lines in pretty much the same tone throughout the film. I guess she’s getting bored, too. There was one instance where she yelled out for Sam and I thought, “That was the best performance I have seen from her.” So, kudos to her for that. Other returning characters include John Turturro (WHY are you in this film, my darling?! Are you really that in need of money??), who, for some reason, was fired from his National Security job and now owns a deli, the two most notably military grunts played by Tyrese Gibson and Josh Duhamel (NOT to be confused with Timothy Olyphant, which is something I do pretty much all the time), and Sam’s parents (Kevin Dunn and Julie White). We’re also introduced to Sam’s stereotypical computer geek roommate who ends up going along for the ride because he has been obsessed with videos posted on the Internet about the transformers, and everything on the Internet is true. He is played by Ramon Rodriguez, and other than being this conspiracy theory-esque guy who leads Sam to John Turtorro, his role in this film is to freak out and talk about how hot Megan Fox is. Good job, kid. Welcome to show business.

So many things in this film were beyond ridiculous, from the stereotypes of computer geeks and “old” robots acting like cranky old men (CANE AND ALL!), to the offensive robots (there’s no way that the twin transformers–meant to be the comedy relief, I guess–were not meant to sound like two highly uneducated black people), to Sam’s mom buying some “special brownies” in the middle of the college campus and then acting like a drunken idiot when she “gets high”. I don’t care how well-known your campus is for drug availability– there’s no fucking way that someone is openly selling brownies with marijuana stickers on the bag outside of a dormitory to parents who are moving their kids in on the first day. That was so unnecessary, and it was a pathetic attempt at humour. Not only that, but how Sam’s mom reacts is one of the worst depictions of the affects of marijuana I have seen in my life. I don’t even think the anti-drug PSAs have been as ludicrous as this. Lowest common denominator, Michael. You need to get away from it. And I don’t just mean this “reefer madness”, dear– I mean the Robo-balls, as well. You know what I’m talking about.

I need to stop. I’m going to have an aneurysm if I try to think about this movie for much longer.

Do I recommend this “film”? NO. God, please no. If there’s nothing on and you’re REALLY bored, still no. No. I realize I didn’t talk too much about the action in the film, but that’s because I could barely comprehend it. I never knew what was going on due to Michael Bay’s ridiculous directing and all the flashes of light. It was insane. It could probably give people seizures. This is the worst movie I have ever seen, with the exception of Waterworld. The reason why this doesn’t trump Waterworld is because when my eyes were actually able to focus on the action for a few moments, the effects were pretty good. Michael Bay is sometimes fun to watch for all of his ridiculousness and over-the-top direction, but this was not fun. This was hollow and unsatisfying. Still, there’s nothing recommendable about this film, not even the effects–and, sadly, Hugo Weaving’s voice acting (as Megatron) isn’t enough to win me over, even though I love him. I don’t think the fight scenes were any more “wow” worthy than they were in Transformers 1. You’re probably better off re-watching that monstrosity.


11 Responses to “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”

  1. Fosjam said

    I enjoyed the film for four reasons.


    • Cantankerous Panda said

      But the explosions weren’t even as much fun because it was so retarded! And yeah, I get it– she has boobs, we get to look at them. There are a million other movies that have explosions and boobs that are so much more fun to watch and that don’t have Shia LaBeouf!

  2. Tentacles said

    Sounds good! *watches film*

    On a more honest note, I watched the previous Transformers movie a while back, and couldn’t comprehend most of it. Ah well.

    • Cantankerous Panda said

      The first one was pretty bad, as well, but it didn’t hurt my brain nearly as much as this movie did. The franchise had such potential, too. I was kinda digging the whole Michael Bay idea until I saw the first one. It was like he was so drunk with power that he took his usual gimmicks and basically threw them on steroids. It’s kinda scary, really.

  3. That girl that you know said

    I… don’t want to talk about this experience.

  4. Alex said

    I went to see this with some guys from college.

    We figured the film would have been just as good with a 2 hour loop of Megan Fox running.

  5. Fyorl said

    Megan Fox is hot.

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